An old poem about a boy I once knew.
I will sit here
and write you into
poetry so that I can’t
lose you even when
you leave. I’ve already
written out the features
I most love—something deeper,
your essence, you
elude me.
There is so much
I don’t know,
so much you will never
share with me.
I think I am not
preserving you in this
poem, but the pain
that marks your
passage through my life.
Pretend I’m trying to save you
when I hold your head under water.
Call it baptism instead of drowning
and let the water take your sins
as it takes your breath.
Salvation comes neither easy
nor cheap, my love.
You have to show some faith
if you ever want to walk on water.
You know the last thing he said was
more weight and then his ribs broke
bone dagger stuck his heart
organs burst and his skin split
blood spilling from his
defiant mouth
I think it was admirable
I have heard
that all women are witches
and sow a little magic in the paths
they take to their lovers’ homes.
Given the choice of
hanging
burning
or crushing
how would you dispose
of me?
You liked your hand
around my throat
but also
you liked your body
pressed on top of my body.
You loved me breathless
begging
please
Build me a pyre
on the way I took to you.
Make it as an altar
heaped with flowers
fragrant oils
and sweet wine
and like a burnt offering
to the old god
swathe me in flames
your beloved
your darling
as I beg only
my love
more fire.
No use asking now
if we ever loved.
Someone said
you’ve gone back
and I suspect I’m falling in love
with someone else. We haven’t spoken
in over a year. You’re on my mind, sometimes,
still.
He feels like home, and I think he could
love me too. I remember holding you here
in my bed as nightmares shook your body
and you went still and calm in my arms. I might have
felt like home to you in that moment. I’ve forgotten
how holding you felt.
Did we ever really touch
or did our hands only come close enough
to feel each other’s heat?
After you and before him there are others
I didn’t love. If someone tells you anything
about me now, know that you left
a hole in me that took time to fill. Don’t bother
with the rest.
Wherever you have gone
all my mourners have gone too
and left this heart of mine
I have joined to his.
If I could make something solid
from the love I carried for you
I would break it into pieces
so small it would be like dust
I would scatter it without a word
of remembrance, only the wind
howling
Of all of your features
your eyes like jewels set
in your skull I know the best.
I’ve seen a hundred times
eyes described as yours
are, eyes like sapphires,
like diamonds, eyes I could
pry free and set in a ring.
The sentimental and love
stricken have said your eyes
are every celestial body
burning holy fire, blinding
and hot beyond touch. Even I
have spoken before
of a boy with killing eyes
I couldn’t bear to catch,
and your eyes have my heart
consumed in flames I would
have thought incompatible
with life. If I knew what love was
I think it would be this.
Leap Before You Look 